Not this time...

We got the results of the pregnancy test yesterday.  We are not pregnant.  James and I spent most of the day in shock, as we were not expecting this to be the case.  The hormones had even started to make my body change as if I were pregnant to the point of not being able to wear most of my clothes (and making us think we were pregnant and were having twins, since I didn't get this big until the 4th month of first pregnancy). 
I am trying to stay positive and pick myself up as quickly as possible from this disappointment.  Needless to say, I understand the importance of grieving and am trying to make sure that I undergo the process, but also try to stay away from anything negative that can turn the grieving into depression.  I know that we were supposed to do this.  I don't know why we didn't get pregnant, but hey, I am sure Abraham didn't understand why he had to sacrifice his first born either.  I keep hoping that like Abraham, the Dr.'s office calls and says," Ooops!  You are pregnant, we just gave you someone else's results!"
When I thought I was pregnant, my biggest worry seemed to be:  How will I love this baby as much as I already love Landon?  How can your heart be that big???
Well, in not being pregnant, I now know the answer.  A piece of my heart seems to be missing.  The baby we have not yet had brought into our lives already has a place that I didn't know was there.  I hope to meet this child soon, that has had such an impact on my heart already.
Heavenly Father, give me the strength to continue on this journey.  Thank you for sending Landon to our family.  We are so incredibly blessed to have him in our home.  Please bless our home with more children as James and I are so eager to have a large family.  (I wouldn't even mind if they all come at the same time :)

It's that time again...

So... we are doing IVF again.  I really didn't want to do it again.  I had these fantasies of getting pregnant naturally and it seems like Heavenly Father has been trying to get through to me these last few months to tell me to get on board with IVF, but I didn't want to listen.  Then I realized that I felt exactly this way when Heavenly Father was trying to tell me to do IVF the first time and I kept ignoring it until we LITERALLY got mail that helped us realize what we needed to do.  So, I decided (after about three months of feeling this way), that I needed to put my hardheadedness aside and make the call to the IVF center.  So, I am going in today to do all the exams and then if all is well, we will do the procedure at the end of June.  I am a little nervous.  Apparently there is a higher chance of multiples the second time around.  I have mixed feelings about this.  The realistic part of me, the part that is going to physically carry, birth and take care of those "babies"  is freaking out!  But the daydreamer in me will be sad if there is just one or no babies (considering the price involved in this venture).  Of course, the reassuring part of me is telling myself, Heavenly Father has been telling you this for 3 months, so have faith that it will work out exactly as our family needs it to work out. 
So anyways, there it is!  My sister in law helped me create this blog, I guess she was more inspired than we knew when she said I should call it Our Fertility Journey!

Exciting new venture

So... I have been silent for a long time, you know why??? I have delved into the crafting world!  I have had so much fun making things, it isn't even funny!  Check out my new blog:

craftingwithkista.blogspot.com

Follow me, become and fan, throw a party, tell your friends about me!  Check out all the crazy stuff I have been working on .  Also, any feedback to the site is more than welcome!

Random fun

James's reflective vest

I used to fit in this tub...

Landonzilla

Did you find my purse?

I had to laugh when Landon put my purse on his arm just like I do. James just groaned when he saw this picture.

Life has gotten back to normal as far as James being here. We are just going with the flow as far as his schedule changing during his training. He is working nights from 6pm to 6am and has had quite an exciting career so far. He has arrested quite a few people, given lots of tickets, had a rape case, auto accidents, a few high speed chases and has even had to pull his gun once. One day he didn't even come home because he had court the next morning and he didn't get out until 12pm, so he just slept on a cot at the office.

I am doing so much better than I thought with all of this. I am so proud of him for handling everything so well. Like I said earlier, we see him now more than we did with him working a 9 to 5 job. We don't really see him while he is working for those 3 or 4 days, but Landon takes a late nap on those days so he at least gets to see him. I have gotten used to sleeping alone, so it hasn't been a big deal for him to work nights. On his days off, he goes to bed at 2am and gets up at 9am, so it hasn't been too bad. It has been an interesting experience and I am so glad that he loves it!

Sewing room make over

To the left of the wall is our guest bed. We don't use it that much and decided to wench it to the wall. James pointed out that I can use it as a design board and a back drop to take pictures of things that I have made. Right next to the door is my stash of minky and satin for my baby blankets.

Here is the one wall with windows. I got a clearanced wall sticker dry erase thing and it was my fill order list. I am happy to say that it is empty now. In between the windows is supposed to be my fabric cutting table, but I am using it as a desk for my other job right now.

This is my favorite wall. I love having the bolts and ribbons displayed for easy access. Also, the camera wouldn't get the entire wall, but it is my merchandise wall as well. I even have a mail center and yes, there is a customs form in there! :)

Where is the sewing machine do you ask? Why it is in the closet of course!!! I am really excited that we got it to fit in there. Now I have so much more floor space for those big projects. I have a peg board on the wall in there for easy access to my tools and we have two thread spool holders, but I might have to get a third. I have three containers for my embroidery threads. The sign above the closet James made for craft shows.

I used to be so overwhelmed when I came in my sewing room. I have so many ideas and lots of things that need to be made and when I went in there to start on something, I would just look at all of the projects I had and get overwhelmed. Now, I go in there and it is so fun to be in there and projects go so much faster because everything has a place and it is all so easy to access.

I love my sewing room make over and I have had so much fun making things since we did it.

I wouldn't have done it without the Australia order. I am so glad that She found me online and decided I was worth paying shipping for. I am excited to see where else my business takes me.

A day at the playground

Wee!
Not ready for him to drive yet...

Look at the excitement on his face!

At the Elementary School that James went to they have two playgrounds. One is near the gym and the other is near the soccer field. The one near the soccer field is more of a work out center if you ask me. Everything out there is meant to build muscles. They even have these elliptical like things. In the last picture, Landon is hanging on to this thing and James is walking around in circles. Can't remember what its purpose is, but Landon loved it.

James's work schedule has had him working nights. He works 3 or 4 12 hour shifts and then has three or four days off. It is weird, it seems like we see him more now than when he worked a regular 9 to 5 job. Of course, he is in training, we will see how much over time he gets when he is official.

We are trying to do lots of family activities before the weather gets too cold. Having so much fun!

Fun doing yard work

Don't worry, the lawn mower isn't on
Landon thought it was so cool to push the lawn mower

Can you see me?

Can you see me now?

Landon loves the crunch of the leaves when he runs around

Big smiles

James spent most of the day outside raking the leaves. I had a project that I needed to do, so at one point, him and Landon were outside by themselves. I told James not to let Landon jump in the leaves without me and the camera outside. Landon had a lot of fun.

Oh and some of these pictures were taken on a different day...